i thought this is somewhere where i can vomit out all my thoughts and emotions. i didnt know i was being watched. this time it pushed me to the verge of giving up. as i'm typing all these, my phone is ringing, was ringing and is going to ring again. she kept calling. it scares me. it's driving into the pits of depression. she knows about this blog, my secret place where i pour out my emotions. i thought i hide them well. but someone just dug it all up. dug all the broken pieces of my life up and put it right in front of my face and show me how ugly and broken my life is.

it makes me wan to take my own life. i'm already struggling. it's hard. damn hard. but it's even harder now.
i'm a broken girl. with a broken background and a broken life. nobody knows. nobody sees. nobody feels. i'm not worthy. not worthy of any love. not worthy of God's love. baby i'm so sorry that i dragged u into this. i'm so sorry u are hurting for me now.

she is right. my mom might to lose me. but not lose me to my boyfren.
but lose me to death.

the last time i pour out my emotions here.
my space has been invaded. i'm sorry for all the trouble i've caused ur family. and to let u think that i dislike u guys. but i'm grateful for all the help ur family provided for my mom. i donno how to express the gratitude and i did not know that one and only small paragraph will cause u to think i dislike u. my apologies.

(Chris, u're wrong. i'm not strong. my strength comes from God and frens. but now, i've lost my directions. i'm losing my source of strength.)